Predetermined steps

As I seek God, there are some areas where I have to take an honest look at myself and at what I am really looking for.

 

I want to find Truth but I am limited by some areas where I have a predetermined view point.

 

I do not want to find a God who hates homosexuality; who annihilates entire races of people; who would have some suffer eternally because they worship Allah instead of Him; who is only male and not female (though I do call my God Father, I believe in my heart of His gender duality despite the pronouns).

 

While I seek God, I need to keep an open mind. My mind is somewhat closed to these views of God, though they are biblical and traditional. My mind is closed to them because they don't mesh with my heart's view of Him, of who I believe Him to be, or of whom I want Him to be.

 

What do I know of Holy? a popular song asks. Very little, I admit. Sacred encounters are few while daily life is overrun with inconsistent relationships, harried tasks, irritating conflicts, suffering, joys, sleeping, eating and monotony.

 

I spend many hours in prayer every week, asking God to heal the sick at the hospital. But, I don't really fellowship with Him like I would like to... I miss Him.

 

Without the Lord, my life is darkness. He gives me hope and light and mercy and love. I need Him and want Him more than any other. My soul cries out for Him, but I don't know Him.

 

Lord, while I seek you, open my mind and my heart to the truth of who you are. Provide me with resources, with people, with books to illuminate my mind and my heart to your truth. Reveal your mystery to me and speak your truth to me. Help me to know you as you truly are even if I am uncomfortable with who or what that is.