Struggling

At the beginning of this year, I was married, a stay at home mom, a doting wife to a man who made me angry on a daily basis, a man who was pretty certain we would stay unhappily married for life, and to whom I was also certain I would attempt to remain committed to for eternity.

 

I used to ask him if it made him sad that there was no marriage in heaven, because it did make me somewhat confused and hurt. I gave so much of myself to him that I couldn't imagine not being with Jon in eternity, especially his sinfree self! He said it didn't matter to him much and that everyone would love everyone the same in heaven, that loving God would be our priority, as it should be now.

 

Jon had excellent ideas and intentions and was honest if not romantic. I was very attracted to the man he should have been. He simply wasn't the man he intended to be. I would have been very happily married to him if he would have kept up with half the things he intended and if he hadn't tortured me and himself so much about the rest. But, his standards for living a "godly" life became sins, the sins of control and meanness. His demands for himself and on me became impossible and led to years of unkindness and depression, a cycle that centered on his impression of God and one that became impossible to break.

 

I say it was impossible because for years I tried to help him break it. However ... all things are possible with God, and I do believe in my heart that if I had stayed married to my husband that God very well could have changed his heart eventually. I didn't want to wait for Jon to be kind to me, for Jon to stop controlling me. I didn't want to wait for God to change Jon or to fix my marriage, so I left. I regret this to a degree, and it's a heartbreaking regret, one that I may never quite come to terms with, but I also know that Jon's behavior was abusive and wrong... I have to come to terms with it, because for me and my daughter, I believe I made the right choice.

 

From a stay at home mom and wife to a divorced working mom is a big change, a hard change, and one that has caused emotional and even physical stress on my body. I'm doing my best for Daphne, for my family, for David, for my patients... it's hard. Sometimes my best sucks. I complain a lot. I don't pray enough. I don't seek God enough. I don't try enough. I eat too much. I list these negatives like a repeating soundtrack throughout my day, and I'm tired, I'm tired of it. I want to try harder and to do better, but it's hard.

 

This year has been hard. I'm working through it. I'm doing my best, but sometimes it's not enough.